The Odyssey of the Penal Company. Chapter 3

"All I'm saying is, like it or not, I am your second in command. You could try giving me some responsibility."

Vyet's face appeared more serpentine after each battle. The city must be mutating him somehow. Darza himself felt the familiar humming of chaos within his bones. He’d nearly forgotten, but now it felt like a breeze, where it used to feel to him like a furnace. Vyet’s skin seemed to be green and dry, and Darza could swear he was seeing a forked tongue in the man's mouth. "You are no more my second in command than that thing." He pointed to a zombie which had been chained to a tree in order to protect the living from the wrath of their vampire commander. "You have done nothing. My last second, Graeykl, was a beast in man's skin. Give me a reason and I will give you respect."

Vyet leaned in close. "There are rumors of more greenskins coming in through the East gate. It may be an easy win. All we have to do is drive them off. Make them want to go in through another entrance. It could help our local reputation."

"Information is still nothing. Make me respect you. Though I'll seize this opportunity. We move."

The greenskins were slowly advancing on the city gate. A handful at most. Easy prey. He had his men spread out to intercept. Staggering zombies and the like. Vyet positioned himself in a ruined temple and gave Darza an evil glare. Darza figured he'd pay for that one later. He positioned himself in the floor of the temple, alongside Ned. The orcs made their move, and were met with resistance. A giant orc with a boar tusk helmet roared and charged through the gate, followed by another massive orc with a two-handed axe. Good, enough to satiate his thirst. He heard Vyet mumbling some words as the orcs advanced. Suddenly, there was a blast of black smoke from the earth and a thousand skeletal hands reached up, dragging the helmeted orc into a shallow grave. The orc howled in defiance as he was pulled asunder. The other orc seemed nonchalant about his commander's fate and plunged into combat, engaging Darza. The tagalong goblin seemed to give Darza some added fervor, and he managed to kick the goblin in its bulbous nose while his shield intercepted the massive orc's charging blow, before putting his full weight on the tiny beast’s chest, crushing it to death, while his rusted steel raked across the orc's face. It grabbed at its face with one hand and swung its ax at the air wildly in defiance before the greenskin dropped to its knees. It looked up with one eye, its other gushing blood, and with a casual swing of his ancient shield, Darza sent it down without hope of it getting back up soon. Darza would come for this one later. He hadn’t fed in some time, and it was clearly larger than the other orcs. It was worthy.

Outside of the building, Buford was left alone with a zombie to try and break the orcs that came to his position.. He'd been affectionately calling this one Maggot. Maggot had apparently been a privateer. And not too long ago. He'd maybe been stewing in the river for a month or so. Been nibbled on by all kinds of critters before Vyet had gotten to him, he reckoned. Either way, Buford felt more secure having someone next to him...even if Maggot would kill him without thought, given the order. He awaited the orc host and heard them coming. Some kind of large red thing, with a mouth full of teeth half-bounced, half-waddled around the corner. It had two legs, but they both ended in long claws. A goblin followed it, and a second...thing...followed the goblin closely. All three of them charged the man. He was confident, even though his leg still had painful pangs rolling through it. The things both hit at once, and he saw the world go black beneath the beast...

Darza heard a high-pitched scream and went outside to see two squigs atop Burford. That man needed to be whipped into shape. Literally whipped. Darza would see the “army” he was given rise to greatness, even if that meant he had to remove the cancerous bits himself. In fact, he preferred it that way. Fear was the most powerful motivator he’d ever known. The vampire leaped out of the building through one of the long-abandoned broken windows, landing nearby and charging the goblin. Darza skewered the beast between the ribs, raising it up to eye level, that he could see all of the useless life flee the thing's fragile body. Its head lolled over dumbly. Pitiful creature. Not at all a good design for a warrior. And yet, it bested his man...sickening. He looked out to see another orc with a bloody weapon advancing into the city, and called his men to flee. They'd spilt blood this day, but not enough to break the resolve of the greenskins. He motioned for his men to move out, and the undead fled the field, happy with their loss thus far.

After the orcs had come back and dragged off their dead and wounded, Darza did a tally. All the zombies were present. The only one missing was Clovis. He found the body behind a tree. There were so many pieces that he was actually impressed with the orc who did the deed. And it had made an affort to mix the pieces with one of his zombies, as if that would have stopped him from raising whatever it would turn out to be. Buford's arm was mangled and needed a bit of time to heal. The greenskins’ beasts were good at eating, judging by the ripped flesh of the man’s arm. If that man spent as much time training as he did healing, maybe he wouldn't be wounded so much, Darza mused. Vyet was rather confident that he could stitch the dead man back together, and make a zombie of him. That was one way to solve his mental issues. The vampire chuckled over that one. Ned seemed disheartened about the whole affair, and Darza realized that he needed his men in ship shape. After all, with Buford spending more time in the infirmary than the field, and Clovis having far more surface area than ever a man should have, he needed his men in good mental condition. That meant that they didn't need to fear future service after their tour of duty officially "ends." 

"Dig a hole. Let it rest."

He did need to replace the man though, but wasn’t worried. It wouldn't be hard to find an incompetent moron in this city. Ned picked up a shovel, with the intention of digging the hole, but Darza stopped him. "No. I need you to find his replacement. Take some coins. Find me a criminal. Someone who won't be missed. Someone cheap. Don't tell them what its for. You. Dig the hole."

He pointed a steel-encased fist at Vyet, who had a shocked look on his face. "But...I'm a man of learning, not...not some kind of...l-laborer!"

Darza tilted his helmeted head back a bit. The kind of tilt that implied horrid consequences if conditions are not met. Vyet reluctantly grabbed the shovel and stabbed it weakly into the dirt. Darza began to walk away, but stopped and turned. "Vyet the Necretard. You have done well this day. But not THAT well."

Space Marine: A Video Game Review

So, I found myself having a lot of time lately, and having only a handful of things to do in a day, I decided to get a new game. At Gamestop this game, which was $60 around Christmas, was down to $20. I heard it flopped, but I figured that people couldn't get into the backstory because there's a lot of content in that universe. There's a lot that a space marine can and should do for a cool video game, and I figured that with as much money as Games Workshop brings in (from me, mostly), they should have a pretty solid game.

Now comes review time. My vengeance!

Ok, so first off, I was expecting something maybe a bit more tactical. Like, maybe you could take cover behind things, or order your guys around some, because that's the kind of thing that people who live through wars tend to do. No. You can't. And, in fact, cover will catch your bullets if you want to shoot over it. Even when you miss it. Or maybe you could jump. And I know that armor looks like it weighs a ton, but those guys are supposed to be genetically engineered for maximum size and strength. They're supposed to be like, seven feet tall each. Also, that suit looks like it has a teeny-tiny rocket pack that might allow that. But no, you can't jump. They give you a rocket pack for one level (so far), but the rocket pack is confusing, doesn't work right, and is unnecessary for that level. It ended with me shooting in any direction, screaming "FLY ****ING STRAIGHT OR DON'T FLY AT ALL!" to my television while people hacked at my ankles.

You have a lot of health, and damage is a set amount, but they mob you with orks, which is cool, because that's a legitimate ork tactic. In fact, its really the ONLY ork tactic. And that gets old after ten minutes. I mean, the enemies are aggressive as hell, but they only do one of four things: shoot you, chop you, move closer TO chop you, or throw grenades. That's it. They have some beefy enemies, like the nobs (I assume they're nobs) which you can only kill by grenades, special kills (which are a huge pain in the ass), or by using enough bullets to shoot five guys in half. But with so damn many enemies in the game, you'd think they'd give you a variety. And I guess you get to shoot chaos space marines later on. Lazy damn developers.

You have a set limit of health, which sits in the middle of the screen, and some health that regenerates over time, but never much. And you can regain health by going into Fury mode, which is something no 40K content I've read has ever mentioned, so I think they made that shit up for the game. That's probably why it seems tacked on and (to be perfectly honest) poorly conceived. You can also gain health by executing people, but the executions aren't as cool as they make them out to be, because there's only one that I've seen per melee weapon, and the first time you feel like a bad ass, but after the fourth time, its like "Oh, that again." And they take time, and while you're performing the execution, you'll be choppd into ribbons by his friends. So health regeneration is a huge waste of time, unless its literally the last guy. That time could be spent better by hacking and slashing, which is really the only thing this game has in abundance. There are an assload of enemies to kill, regenerating your health is not worth your time, and you'll run out of ammo quickly because you don't get as much as you need and each of the billions of orks that somehow fit on these really small ships requires about four to down...provided they're not special in any way, because then they take like, minimum twenty bullets.

Right now, I'm entirely stuck on a train level, because there is some kind of ship flying around, shooting at me, that drops WAY more guys than it could EVER realistically hold, takes way too many plasma caster rounds for easy mode (I don't do first-person shooters...but I'll play through them if the plot is even remotely interesting), hides behind cover, and has a tendency to fly RIGHT ON TOP OF ME when I'm hiding and then shoots me to death. Every time. And if that doesn't work, it drops a dozen ax-wielding orks who hack me to bits while I try to drop my non-responsive gun that has shitty damage in melee. They gave me a pair of friends, but they have as much personality as linoleum and somehow do LESS damage. I think one of their names is Sidonus, which I remember because its the exact same name used in Mass Effect 2, which came out a couple years ago.

The plot is...a thing...I guess. You're a space marine and you have to prevent orks from looting some giant mech, because that makes more sense than just turning the damn thing on remotely or whatever. I mean, heaven forbid your weapon of absolute superiority is unavailable because there isn't someone RIGHT THERE WITH IT. There's some imperial guardsmen, which are just normal human soldiers, but I'm incapable of caring about the furniture in the room. I mean, they have a lot of "wounded" guys, but they're white noise in the background. When I can, I make an effort to walk on them so they know just how pathetic the game perceives them to be. None of them says anything, none of them can die, and none of them even have a damn name tag. For that matter, what's my guy's name? I think my two side-kicks said it a few times, but I made a point to actively ignore them once I realized that their more realistic names would be "Vanillian" and "Beardicus." My guy's just a guy who has a handgun, heavy weapon (a rocket launcher in this case), machine gun, sniper rifle, and melee weapon, just like any character from any first person shooter ever made. Wouldn't you know it? Same weapon set-up as Mass Effect 2, except that Mass Effect also has a shotgun.

Also, no co-op multiplayer. What do I have to do to make that happen in games again? That was what made games worth getting.

Warning: EXTREMELY accurate.

The game rewards the guy who chooses to hide like a coward and punishes the face-kicking space marine who plays like a space marine is supposed to...by kicking faces off. The controls are mushy, the story is lame (so far), the gameplay is weak, my allies have less personality than their armor, the enemies are generic and WAY too hard to kill, the gore is cool, but lack of diversity makes it old hat really fast, there is zero openness to it, so it probably has virtually no replay-ability, there is no character customization in campaign mode (so far), and the enemies are aggressive and literally nothing else. They're not even interesting. At least Kill Team (the ten dollar XBOX download) was fun at times. This one felt like a worse version of Kill Team that had better graphics, cost me more money, and somehow was a huge downgrade.